Prayas

I don't know where to begin, because there are no words big enough for what I feel right now. But I have to try — because you deserve to know.

I am sorry. From the deepest, most honest part of me — I am sorry. I stamped your feet in anger in the theatre, when there were people around. I was too mad, and I lost control — but that is no excuse. I had no right to do that. It was out of character for me, and the moment I did it, I knew it was wrong. You must have felt terrible. You must have felt humiliated. And that thought breaks me, because you are the last person in this world I ever want to hurt. I am so, so, so sorry you had to go through that because of me.

Because you are. You are my whole world. You are the person I think about the moment I wake up and the last thought before I sleep. You are a part of everything in me. I cannot think about myself without thinking of you. You are not just someone I love — you are someone I am built around. And right now, I miss you so much it physically hurts. I miss talking to you. I miss your voice. I miss everything.

I think about every weekend — you dropping me home from your place, that drive we take together, the songs we listen to, the conversations we have. What feels like a small thing to the outside world is one of my favourite things. It is us at our most comfortable, our most real. Every single memory has you in it. You are woven into all the best parts of my life, and I do not know who I am in a version of it without you.

And I know I may have made you feel otherwise. I know I may have let you down. And I would do anything — anything — to fix that.

If you'll give me one chance. Just one chance to make things right. I promise I will hold onto it with everything I have.

I love you more than I know how to say. You are not just my boyfriend — you are my person. My guluu. And I am not okay without you.

Please forgive me.